Understanding the Roots of Your Child’s Addictive Behaviors – Dr. Adrian Hickmon

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Understanding the Roots of Your Child’s Addictive Behaviors

Guests: Ron Deal and Adrian Hickmon

From the series:Understanding the Roots of Your Child’s Addictive Behaviors

(Day 1 of 1)

Air date:June 4, 2025

Adrian:A parent’s finest hours comes in their darkest hours. I’ve seen it play out many, many, many times. I didn’t plan—when I said, “I do,” with Joanna—that we would face the things that we face with children, with struggles. I had this brilliant plan: “This is how I’m going to be this dad: follow what my dad did”; and blah, blah, blah, blah. But when it hits you, it’s like that’s when you become or show your finest hours as a parent.

Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave:I told you last night I got a text from a friend of mine, a dad whose son has been experimenting with drugs; and as a result, somewhat suicidal. We’re talking about: “How do you respond to that?” I think that’s a major question for all parents, who have a son or daughter, who’s experimenting with drugs, or alcohol, or porn, or sex; and they don’t know what to do. Do they seek out professional help? That’s why he reached out to me; he’s almost asking, “Should I get help?”

Ann:Well, today we’re going to listen to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal. FamilyLife Blended is the division of FamilyLife that provides so much training and resources for stepfamilies and the church leaders who serve them. But this conversation really is applicable to all parents; because we all know and love a child, who’s turned to addictive behaviors. This podcast unpacks why children do that and what parents can do about it.

Dave:Ron’s guest today is Dr. Adrian Hickmon, founder of the Capstone Treatment Center in [Judsonia], Arkansas, which Ron says is one of the most effective inpatient addiction treatment programs for 14- to 26-year-old young men in the country. Dr. Hickmon trained therapists at the university level for many years and has lectured around the world about the model they developed at Capstone.

Ann:And we’re only going to hear a small fraction of this discussion, but you can hear the rest of it by pulling up the Family Life Blended podcast and search for Episode 142.

Dave:Okay, let’s pick up the conversation after Ron asked Adrian to help parents understand what’s going on below the surface when a kid is drinking or doing drugs. Here is Adrian’s response.

[FamilyLife Blended Podcast Excerpt]

Adrian:There are multiple different—let’s say eruptions—of the volcano from drugs, and alcohol, and self-harm, and pornography, and intensity-based sex, and all these things that are addictive behaviors that are steamrolling America, especially youth. Underneath that, there’s a magma pool of trauma of isolation, disconnection, attachment, and capacity, lack of purpose and connection with God.

And then, under that, there’s a family context in which both of those battlefronts exist. There are families out there that are a part of the problem, but there are others that are not. The thing to remember on that is every single family is the most important part of the solution, and so that’s what we try to bring together, and do work with everybody in the family, because that’s how you are able to save and turn the direction of the child who’s in jeopardy.

Ron:I want us to talk today about two audiences. I know we got people watching that fall into both of these camps:

The first camp is people who have a child who is actively drinking, drugging, or something. But also want us to talk to the parents, who are going, “No, that’s not happening with my kids; but I know, and love, and care for somebody whose kids are doing that.”

Or “I just want to prevent my kids from going down that road, so what do I need to know? And how do we kind of build strength and resilience into our children and into our household?”

Let’s just sort of tackle those one at a time. Let’s start with somebody who’s listening, and they’re in a really rough spot with one of their kids; and they have a sense that something’s going on—or maybe, they have clarity that: “Yes, their child is drinking, drugging, or doing porn, or something,”—what do they do? How do they think about the problem, if you will; and what would be the first things you would just offer them?

Adrian:The first thing that I would say in that: almost every time, there’s going to be a difference between what mom and dad think on how big the problem is. So first thing I would say is you got to find the facts to know what you’re up against. In the book, The Art of War, Sun Tzu says: “Know your enemy and know yourself.” If you don’t know either one of those, you’re in trouble; so finding the facts is first.

I had a man call once who wanted his son to come to Capstone. He was pushing me, like a bulldozer, to accept him. I was asking every question I could to find out: “What were we up against?” There was one thing: the man was a pastor, and he had found two empty beer cans in the back of his son’s truck. I finally said, “Sir, we’re not going to take your son; he doesn’t need to go here. You’re taking a machine gun to a rabbit hunt.” There’s a balance in the triage, because that’s the point these people are at. You don’t take a machine gun to a rabbit hunt or a slingshot to a grizzly bear hunt; you got to balance out the triage with the needs.

So find the facts:

Everything from getting someone to look at your computer. The cell phone privacy is out the window in parenting today—all that stuff about privacy is ridiculous—with all the things that the internet offers.

Drug screens—and it’s not just your Walmart drug screen; it’s like some of them are expensive—but you find out the facts of it.

And the best you can, find the body of information that is the facts; then, you know what you’re up against. That’s when it’s time to triage.

Triage is just like at a train wreck, if they’re in that kind of jeopardy. I always tell parents this: “If you have any reasonable expectation that your son or daughter can turn the direction away from, what we call, the wasteland towards the promised land, without coming to a place like Capstone, then you don’t need to come here. But if you don’t have any reasonable expectation that it can change, you need to hurry; because you’re playing Russian roulette every day.”

So triage and finding the facts would be the first thing.

Ron:Okay, so a reasonable expectation: “How do you know what reasonable is?”

Adrian:Every parent is going to have to follow their gut on that. I think asking questions, calling people, talking is one thing. There’s a lot of books to read; there’s a lot of different things like that. People call us; and our admissions team, which are all therapists, know what this thing is about. That helps them to figure out what’s going on.

But then, talk to the people who—we have on our reference list, and I’m not trying to do a commercial for Capstone—but talk to people, who have been in it; and see what they say. That’s the most solid litmus test; because anybody who works at a facility can lie, and embellish, and whatever; but people who have been through it.

There are markers that let you know something is off, and this is the main one. I have worked with more than 3,000 families in this situation. I don’t have one that, by the time they came to Capstone—came to me for outpatient therapy or sent their child to another program—what they knew, at that point in time, was more than one fourth of what they knew a few weeks later. The problem is always bigger than you think it is; that’s pretty significant thing there. I don’t have one exception to that.

Ron:So would it be fair to say to somebody, who’s listening right now, and they’re thinking, “Okay, I know my kid’s doing this, this, and this,”—now, multiply that times four—and that’s your real problem.

Adrian:Yeah, three or four; but again,—

Ron:It’s pretty sobering.

Adrian:Can I say this? This is going to sound crazy—that is your problem—but it is probably, also, the child’s solution. When a teen/ young adult, and an old adult like me, is struggling with drugs, alcohol, pornography, food—which is probably the one most missed in America—any of these things, you know something underneath is going on with that person. Something’s hurting and something’s missing—there’s a void, and there’s a pain—if you don’t find that, you’re not going to ever solve it. Honestly, once it becomes this level of a problem, it is a “solution” to the problem for the person involved in it; but that “solution” will eventually kill them.

Ron:You’re saying that the solution that they’re pursuing to their real problems is the drug, or the porn, or the food, or the whatever; and so they’re going to keep pursuing that unless the pain is revealed and dealt with.

Adrian:Yes, they have to. I mean, think of it this way. If you can picture a volcano in your mind, and it blows out the top—with pornography, which is usually first/ the most common one—and you get a giant rock, and you cap that volcanic tube, no more eruption; no more porn—most people; and honestly, the biomedical model is saying: “Hey, this is successful; we’ve got abstinence.” And then, the magma pool keeps boiling; and it blows out on the side of the mountain for drugs and alcohol. You cap it—the magma pool grows; it blows out on another side—which is video game binging and those kinds of things.

If you can imagine a mountain that’s got like four or five rocks capped, where the old volcanoes were erupting. You look at that, and you’re like, “Okay, what’s the real assessment of that?” There’s no relief valve. That looks like success, from a biomedical model; but honestly, that person’s closer to suicide than they’ve ever been; there’s no relief. It’s almost like that Indiana Jones movie—the first one—when he’s trying to steal that thing off with that rock. It’s booby trapped, and he’s trying to slide the sandbag on it. Didn’t work out too good for him in that movie. But it’s a simultaneous stopping the “solution” that’s killing them while you’re healing the reason they need it.

[Studio]

Dave:Only Ron Deal could get a guest to talk about Indiana Jones. It was so; I remember that moment forever.

And by the way, you’re listening to FamilyLife Today. We’re listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal, and his guest is Dr. Adrian Hickmon, who’s pretty amazing.

Ann:I don’t know about you, but I’m already thinking of a family who needs to get connected to Capstone and Dr. Hickmon’s program. We’ll put the link in the show notes for you to CapstoneWellness.com.

Dave:And remember: to hear the entire interview, you can pull up the Family Life Blended podcast and listen to Episode 142. They talk a lot about pornography—how that impacts kids and what parents can do if their young adult has an addiction—and more, so don’t miss that. Okay, let’s get back to the conversation.

[FamilyLife Blended Podcast Excerpt]

Ron:Okay, so let’s go back and chase the trauma piece. I know you’ve worked so much with this: “Chasing the pain behind what’s going on.” So back to the volcano—let me just remind our listeners—if there’s an eruption into the escape of porn, drink, drug—whatever it might be—that’s indicative of some sort of magma that has been heated up, down below. Am I getting that right?

Adrian:Let me make sure I’m communicating to you the distinction. You take two boys. They drink a couple beers and feel some euphoria. One of them is like: “Okay, I wondered what that was going to feel like. I might do it again; I might not.” The other one is: “Oh, I got to have some more of that.”

Think of it like this: the degree to which there is an internal anxiety from pain, fear, emptiness is a power factor in the enticement level of those two beers. Let’s say that there’s someone, who’s on a 0 to 10 scale, at a 6 in pain, and emptiness, and fear of whatever; and the person they’re with is at a 2. They both drink those two beers. Well, the one that’s at a 6, the enticement level to go back and do it again is 3 times that of the 2 [on the scale]. Make sense?

Would the normal person want to feel the euphoria of alcohol?—okay, yeah. But to get into it—to the point that it is an avoidance pattern from your pain—that’s when you see it as a problem. You won’t ever see it as a problem when it’s that experimentation; and then, you leave it alone; because it’ll go away on its own. But when you’re noticing it, it does mean that there is a magma pool there of some hurt.

Ron:If somebody is sitting here—going: “I think there’s some hurt in my kid,” or “…somebody else’s kid that I care about,”—how do you chase that pain? How do you do that in an appropriate way? And what kinds of things might they discover there?

Adrian:Well, the first thing I would say is what you don’t do. The classic model on this is: “Detach and practice tough love.” And honestly—

Ron:You don’t do that. In other words,—

Adrian:You don’t do that.

Ron:—that’s detached; meaning, “Emotionally step away from your kid. Just say: ‘Knock it off,’ and ‘You’re punished until…’”—the whatever.

Adrian:Well, it’s like we had somebody, who went to an intensive after Capstone. The parents worked really hard—kid did too—late-blooming 15-year-old. The place they went to said: “Make him responsible for his recovery,” like he was a 40-year-old alcoholic. Parents go to Al-Anon—and practice tough love—which, thank God, they did not do; because they had learned better by that point in time. “Detach and practice tough love” is, honestly, one of the dumbest things that’s ever come down the pipe. “Attach deeper and practice healthy boundaries,”—that’s how you can help your child.

Ron:What does that look like?

Adrian:And it is about: One, you just go to the basic message of the gospel. The basic message is a rupture-and-repair model. After the repair, you’re better off than before the rupture. That’s the whole Ephesians 2:10: we’re the masterpiece once we’ve been made again.

And so, in a family, not avoiding but engaging in all kinds of different things shows kids how there is always, through the restoration process of rupture and repair, something better on the other side of it. It’s connection first. It’s relationship first—which you might not have the opportunity to do if you’re in that crisis—you may have to do just an absolute boundary: “We’re drawing the line; this is what’s fixing to happen…”; and then, work on the relationship because you can’t let them die if they’re so far down into drugs or whatever.

The idea is: first my son, or my daughter, is doing “X,” “Y,” and “Z.” “What makes that make sense?”—that’s the question—not: “What makes it right?”—“good?”—”bad?”—“ugly?”—”smart?”—“stupid?”—or anything else. It’s: “What makes it make sense?” And then, believe there is an answer. But the answer is not one domino that fell over and knocked over the rest in the gym; it is like a jigsaw puzzle picture with multiple pieces.

We’ve had plenty of boys who came to Capstone. I’ve had plenty of women whom I’ve worked within private practice, and they have been forcibly raped—they’ve gone through parents’ divorce and parents’ death—those are the top-two traumas for a child. And those are giant reasons; never have I seen it be the only reason. It is always in a choreography of a dozen or so more.

I think the main point is most parents look at it, and think it does not make sense; because: “We have raised our children not to be like that. They know better. They’re loved at home,”—and blah, blah, blah. But this is what I’m promising you: there’s always a set of answers to that question. If you don’t find them, you don’t change things; because that’s what has to be addressed in that magma pool. Does that make sense?

Ron:It does. And part of what I’m hearing here is: sometimes, we, as parents, have to go: “Yeah, there’s something I’m not seeing,” and “I have to be open to finding that.” If I just think, “Yeah, there’s no reason for them to be doing this; they just shouldn’t be,” then I’m not listening. I don’t have the right antenna up to even move towards my child and try to hear the pain that’s going on with them.

Adrian:And here’s the deal: no matter how astute and committed parents are, Satan wants inside our families. He’s brilliant at sneaking in with the stealth-ness of a virus. I’ve worked with so many families—I have my own family, where my own children have been hurt by different things—it’s like I don’t know of anybody who grows up, and becomes an adult, who did not go through things that could take them out.

If it weren’t for the parents, doing the best job that could be done, they would all be smashed to the point that they can’t recover. It’s like none of us are immune to that. Nobody can create that kind of fort to keep the bad guys out, if that makes sense to you. So Number One: “If you are seeing it—you something’s off—now, the deal is: ‘Find out what it is underneath.’”

Ron:That’s so good because we all need to hear that, as parents. We all want to be that formidable wall that keeps our kids from having to experience anything, or go through any of this, or make these kinds of choices. I appreciate you saying that; because maybe, another way to say it is: “We’re not all to blame,” and “Don’t get into that blame game.” The point is: find out; explore; listen; help put some of the pieces together—if only for you; but maybe, even with and for your child—at least, that’s a step towards understanding what that big magma buildup is all about.

Adrian:Yeah, I guess because I’ve worked with so many kids who have been sexually abused—I’ve been sexually abused myself when I was four, not near as severely as many guys at Capstone—but know what a big “T” Trauma it is; the fear of that is probably the greatest fear that parents have. And the thing is: if somebody wants to infiltrate your family, they’re probably going to eventually get there if they want it bad enough. The point is: a parent’s finest hours are not just in the protection in that kind of scenario; honestly, a parent’s finest hours comes in their darkest hours. I’ve seen it play out many, many, many times.

I didn’t plan—when I said, “I do,” with Joanna—that we would face the things that we face with her health, with children, with struggles. I had this brilliant plan—football coach lays out the plan—“This is how I’m going to be this dad: follow what my dad did”; and blah, blah, blah, blah. But when it hits you, it’s like that’s when you become or show your finest hours as a parent. On the other side of it, something’s better than there was before it started.

The hope of this deal—and honestly, it’s just the pattern of the gospel—rupture, repair, and masterpiece. As a dad, when people come—and I’m working with at Capstone—my stomach falls out my shoes; I shed tears; it hurts. But as a therapist, I’m not unconfident at all because of this: “The gospel says, ‘Rupture; repair; masterpiece.’”

[Studio]

Dave:We’ve been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Dr. Adrian Hickmon. Ron Deal, the host of that podcast, now joins us in the studio. Ron, I’ll tell you what: I’ve been preaching for over 30 years; I have actually never heard that phrase—rupture, repair, and masterpiece, which is so beautiful—applied to the gospel.

Ron:It really captures and summarizes well what God has done for us. We ruptured it; we broke the relationship. He spent an awful lot of time repairing and creating a way for us to move back towards Him for us to have strong relationship. And then, He didn’t stop there; His grace makes us a masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 [paraphrase]: “We’re God’s masterpiece, prepared to do good works, that He has set before us.”

It’s an amazing story, when you stop and you think about that—of course, Adrian’s point is parents, family members, churches—who rally around kids, who are having a hard time in a tough place. We need to have that same mentality: “This can be a story of rupture and repair; and then, masterpiece.” We shouldn’t give up.

Did you catch that part where we talked about one of the mistakes we make is detaching from our kids—sort of emotionally pulling back; and then, sort of just saying, “Tough love; get it right, kid,”—all that does is move away from our children, and decrease our influence, and increase their pain. What we need to do is: we need to move toward them—attach—he said, “Get closer; come in tighter,” and “At the same time, have some good boundaries.”

Let me tell you a little story. We’ve talked many times about how Nan and I lost one of our children, Connor, when he was 12 years of age. Fast forward, my youngest son, who was younger than Connor. Now, when he was a young adult in college, Nan and I get a phone call one day, early one morning; and it goes like, “This is the Fayetteville Hospital. Your son is in our ER. He has been drinking heavily, and we’re not sure he is going to survive the alcohol. You need to get here.”

Nan and I drove two and a half hours, not knowing if we’d lost another child. Now, I got every emotion in the book going on inside of me on that drive—everything from scared to death: “Lord, please save him,” “I just want to hug him,” “I hope he survives,” “If he does survive, I think I’m going to kill him,”—all that stuff that you go through.

Somewhere in there, there is this really strong temptation to detach, to say—“This hurts way too bad,” “I am way too angry. I can’t believe he did this to himself and that he would put us through this pain,”—and so you want to pull back. That is the wrong move, to say, “I’m removing myself from you. I’m not going to talk to you; I’m mad. I’m just going to stay mad,” and “You better get yourself figured out,”—that detach is about our pain; it’s about preserving us—but unfortunately, all it does is keep our child in a worse place, even more in the rupture.

The repair is something we helped to lead with by moving toward. Nan and I talked about it a lot—and we were still very, very angry—but we had to try to contain that. When we got there, he was okay; he did survive. We took him home. There was a lot of car time, where I felt like unloading on him over, and over, and over again; but did not.

Now, we also made it very clear—this is the healthy boundaries part—we also made it very clear to him what we were going to do, going forward. You can’t control your young adult; you can’t tell them what they’re going to do. But I could tell him what I was going to do regarding school—and paying for stuff, and cars, and things that were all under my charge—and he had choices that he could make. That’s the healthy boundaries part: “I’m not telling you what you got to do, but I’m going to tell you what I’m going to do. You can decide whether you come along with that or whether you just fend for yourself. Those are your choices.” That’s that delicate balance of moving toward, connecting heart: “I’m with you; I love you. We’re not leaving. However, here’s where we’re going to do this,” and “Here’s what you can expect from us.” There’s a delicate balance in there, but there’s something really powerful about having moments of repair that ultimately start a pathway towards changing this kid’s life.

Ann:So Ron, did it work? Give us the update. That was quite a while ago.

Ron:That was a change moment, I think, for him. It was a long road; he had to make some hard decisions about friends, and how he was going to spend his time, and all kinds of things. But thankfully, looking back, I would say experimentation with drinking didn’t become something bigger than that.

But let me just say, “I know there’s somebody listening right now, and you’re in the middle of this. It just doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of hope. Do your part. If you got questions about whether you need help: your kid needs help. That’s what Capstone and organizations like that are for—call them—ask/talk to somebody. Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend like this is not a big deal; it is a big deal.”

Dave:Yeah, Ron; that was a powerful, powerful episode conversation. I would agree: “Reach out to Capstone.” We’ve got a link in our show notes; and hopefully, that’s your next step.

Ron, while we have you here, give us an update on Family Life Blended.

Ron:Well, our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, that happens every fall, is coming up soon. We would love for people to join, even if you’re not sure you need this. If you’re a lay leader—you help with marriage ministry or parent education—this is a seminar for you. Two days, in person; we would love to have you join us. The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry: go to FamilyLife.com/Blended to get all the details.

Dave:Thanks, Ron.

Ron:Thank you.

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